It has been my privilege to work with mothers’ from every sort of culture and socio-economic background in the last fifteen years as a therapist. But I have found that there continues to be little advancement in the concept of their own self care first. The vast majority of mothers who I have treated have expressed great difficulty in taking care of themselves. Their first response is to subordinate their health and well-being after the needs of others. I believe that this is a learnt behaviour that passes from generation to generation unconsciously, and has yet to be extinguished. If unchecked, this behaviour can become very damaging, especially with time, and can put a woman on the path to serious health repercussions, such as breast cancer, heart disease, autoimmune diseases, and burnout.
As a child, we learn everything consciously and unconsciously from our parents and their pain can be a great teacher as well. For example, if your father, or mother experiences pain (physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual) and they are overwhelmed by it; they might ask the child to give them a hug, and they say, “You are such a good girl” “You made me feel better” Thank you”!
This pattern occurs numerous times and the child starts to believe that they can make their parent pain disappear and start to feel “responsible” for their pain. As the child grows and develops, every time their loved ones feel pain, she now believes that she can help, that she can even make it go away. So she becomes a really good daughter, a really good friend and a really good worker; and everyone always feels better after spending time with her. If there is a problem they come to her for help, to fix it.
Can you relate to this? If you can, or know someone like this, understand that there will be a breaking point and the body will give up, or go against you with a buildup of resentment and repressed anger. After all it’s yelling inside, “what about me”?
The best thing a parent can do for a child is to teach them early on how each individual must take responsibility for their own health. How their parents deal with pain and suffering, with grief, loss, anger, disappointment. By showing and educating your child that you are proactive in your health and well being, you are giving your child not only the tools to deal with the reality of this life – that we all experience pain and suffering; but you are actually helping your child not to feel “responsible” for your pain or someone else’s, you are breaking a family pattern and freeing your child. When we have women who are securing their own oxygen mask first, we will have healthier families, healthier relationships, and a healthier society overall.
About the author
Mihael is a Master Shiatsu therapist who focuses on reconnecting the communication between the mind and body. Since becoming a Shiatsu Therapist in 2001, he has helped clients change and transform through his treatments which look at the complete person. He has evolved his approach and methodology, creating a unique blend of Eastern and Western manual techniques. Developing strong palpation skills through 15 years of bodywork and 20 years of mindbody studies, he has a gift to understand and translate what your body is trying to communicate.
I agree Mihael. I too work with so many women who are over-giving to others and short-changing themselves. They feel frustrated and resentful, but are caught in the pattern. Happy Spring! ?